I Don't Know About My Dreams
by heidella
Summary: A tale about a girl who runs. A tale about reversal of stereotypes. A tale about becoming a grown up, and not knowing how or why or where. A tale about life and it's little moments. Life and it's big moments. About life.
1. Prologue

~_resolution~_

I think I'll write you this letter, and pretend I'll send it. Which I won't, because this is just a game.

I suppose that's what the problem is with me. It's all a game in my eyes – you know, romance. I could blame my upbringing. I could blame my mother. I could blame both my parents, and my sister even. I could tell you it's because I've been brought up to believe there's no such thing as the one (which I still don't think there is), and that romance before you're twenty-five is absurd and ridiculous. I could tell you a lot of things just like that, and hide behind those excuses.

But I don't want to hide behind them, I want to proudly present myself to you, with my excuses, because that's why I am the way I am, and that's why I acted the way I did. You're not the first person I've done this to, but you are the first person I had more than just a crush on. All the others were just teenage fancies. Somewhere along the way with you, though, it got more in depth than a fickle adolescent thing. It took me by surprise, and so I did the thing I do best when it comes to my heart: I ran.

I'm sorry for that. Maybe it will comfort you to know that I'm none the happier because of it. I won't lie however, I managed to achieve what I wanted – protect my heart, and stop liking you. That still doesn't mean I'm happier.

This will sound really dramatic and over the top to you, I'm sure. But I think that's one of the things you liked about me – how intense I was about everything, from my crazy love for my family, to my crazy love for books, and music… So here's a taste of that again.

But I forget, I'm not sending this to you really, so I don't need to apologize how this might sound.

I like someone else now. I suppose I thought of you because I'm running again. Well, not quite yet. But I know that I will.

It's New Year's Day, and the resolution I thought I should make was 'stop running' – but then I laughed, because it's such a laughable idea. I can't stop. And with you, I didn't want to stop.

I hope you're okay, and you've moved on fine. I'm sure you have, because we are eighteen, and everyone moves on rather quickly.

Maybe I will send this letter after all.

Bella


	2. Chapter 1

~_Do you remember this song?~_

It's amazing how quickly someone can take root in your heart. I suppose it's always been a habit with me, and although mummy would say I only did it with guys, I actually did it with everyone. This particular time though, it was a guy who suddenly weaved his way around my heart like a vine.

There's something delicious about seeing someone serendipitously, especially if that someone is a guy you happen to be a little interested in. And at this point, I was only a little interested. He was new, he was flirty, he was a distraction from the guy I really did like.

So I saw him at a uni bar. I looked up, and thought _cute_ and then realized it was him, and he realized it was me, and we both smiled. He owed me a drink, so I left my little group without much to do, and joined him for a beer to his cider. It really took off from there. We chatted exclusively for the rest of the night – my group of friends were left behind at the table, and all I could see or hear was this boy and his flirtations, and his attentions, and his subtleties. It was quietly intense, simmering, sometimes obvious, sometimes not. A lot of the time I doubted myself – but then I remembered he stayed and talked to me, only me, for no reason. Perhaps I was the reason.

I don't know why it intensified this night. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that my first thought had not been _oh, it's Edward_, but _oh, he's cute_. I hadn't really thought that when I'd first met him a week ago, and before the recognition set in this particular night, the attraction bloomed. Maybe it had something to do with how personal it got, and how fast. Maybe it had to do with the way he looked at you. I like to think that he only looked at me that way, but… I hoped.

I burned for him, toasty from the few drinks I'd already had, toasty because he was there. I shred a receipt to pieces underneath his gaze, and peeled the labels off my beer bottle, noticing he did the same. We laughed a little at the meanings behind this.

But there was something lingering there, hovering, and it was the knowledge that I couldn't have him, because he was someone else's. There was a bitter sweetness about this attraction, and it stung a little, and then soothed under his attention, and then stung again when the thought of her niggled.

Edward Cullen was dating Jessica Stanley, a girl I'd never even met, and boy I hated her for it.

"Do you remember this song?" he asked me at one point in the night.

"Yes, of course," I'd responded, smiling.

"It's very… sensual." He smiled, and the sting went away, and I burned again, for him, and for _his_ sensuality.


	3. Chapter 2

_~what do you feel?~_

"So do you like him?"

I twirl a curl of hair around my finger, then stretch my leg up to the ceiling to stare at my toes.

"I think you should give me a pedi soon, my toes are looking a little beat…" I muse, knowing exactly what I'm doing.

"Bella stop," Alice huffs on the other end of the line. "Don't avoid the question. Do you like him?"

"I don't know," I huff now. Even though I want her to ask, and I want to talk about my developing thing for Edward, I don't want to define how I feel.

"Don't be like this." Alice's voice takes on that undertone she inherits from her mum – she means business. "Simple question, simple answer, and if you say yes it doesn't mean you have to marry him, so don't freak."

I sigh, and then hear movement outside my door. Someone knocks softly and my mom pokes her head in. She smiles when she sees me lolling in bed, legs in the air.

"Hang on Ali, my mom's here." I cover the mouthpiece with my hand, and smile back at her. "Hey."

"Hey baby." She comes in fully and sits on my bed, grabbing one of my feet and giving it a quick massage. "I just wanted to check what your plans were for tonight."

"Hmmm, that's nice," I mumble. She gives my toe a pinch. "Ow!"

"Focus," she admonishes, but the crinkles around her eyes give her away. "What are you doing?"

"Lemme ask Ali… hey girl, we got any plans this evening?"

"Oh, you're back. I just got a text from Rose, she says there's a barbecue happening at Emmett's," she says. "What do you think?"

"Definitely, let's do it. Do you want to stay at mine?" I tilt my head at my mom, who smiles in response, and then rises to leave.

"I'll save you guys some leftovers," she says, and then turns as she reaches the door to wink at me – "Cushion the alcohol."

I think I know the answer to Alice's question as I get ready after we hang up. Although she lets me off the hook by casually forgetting to force an answer out of me on the phone, I know she'll be watching me like a hawk tonight. She always does. Where I'm rough and ebbed around the edges, she's sharp as a knife when it comes to likes and loves and boys. It's funny, because out of the three of us – me, Rose and Alice – she's the one who's been sheltered most, and yet she's the most discerning. I guess it generally turns out that way.

"You look nice," she says as I hop into her car when she comes to pick me up. I glance at myself in the reflection, and ignore the subtle hint in her remark. I do look nice – I showered, blow-dried my hair till it shone, put a light layer of blush and lip-gloss on. My clothes were casual sure, no one really dresses to the nines in our circle of friends. I mean, we are students.

I stare out the window as Alice drives through the streets. I love it here. The lights, the people, the vibe – London is buzzing at all times of the day and night. I remember sitting in Piccadilly Circus one night at four in the morning, and the streets bursting with people and cars and life.

Alice honking her horn suddenly yanks me out of my reverie.

"Jesus, move! The light is green, for fuck's sake."

"Tiny you may be, but the road rage that comes out of you woman," I say, laughing. She just rolls her eyes and speeds past the offending car.

"Sorry, but come on, we're a street away…"

Yes, we are. I check my reflection once more – everything seems okay, and then we're pulling into a space outside Emmett's house.

"I can't believe they lucked out so much with housing," I say, sliding out the car.

"I know." Alice locks her arms with mine as we make our way up the steps and ring the doorbell. "God, it's so cold…" she snuggles against me right as the door swings open to reveal a beaming Emmett.

"Girls! Come on in."

Emmett McCarty. Second year student at UCL, he met Rose during our freshers' week and has since taken us all under his experienced wing. Studying history, he lives in a shared house in Camden with six other second years… one of whom is Edward.

"Only you would have a barbecue in the middle of winter, Em," Alice laughs, tiptoeing to kiss his cheek. He booms a laugh and gives her a little shove.

"Get inside Tiny, and let me greet the molto bella Bella!" He grins hugely at me, pulling me into a bone crushing hug.

"Hey Em," I greet him, my hello muffled against his tshirt. "God you're really warm, what have you guys been doing?"

"Oh, Bella, the party's just starting! We've been playing drinking chess."

I peel my parka off and shake out my hair as Alice takes off her shoes. Emmett waits obligingly, until a voice shouts from the direction of the kitchen.

"Yo, McCarty! Get in here!"

He winks at us.

"Sorry ladies, my subjects await me…" he disappears around the corner.

"Drinking chess?" I say to Alice, eyebrows raised as she wrestles a boot off.

She just rolls her eyes, and sighs, smiling.

"Oh boy…" I breathe, smiling too at the silliness that's bound to be awaiting us.

Once she's out of her boots, we make our way in the direction Emmett left towards the kitchen, and as soon as we open the door are greeted by whoops and hollers. The usual suspects are lounging about – Rose is seated on Emmett's lap at their dining table, Jess and Garrett are lounging on the two-seater sofa, Jasper and Tyler appear to be making drinks at the counter, and Edward is seated opposite Emmett at the table, the other half of the drinking chess game. My eyes land on him last, and just as they do, his glance up to meet my gaze. He smiles a crooked smile.

"Bella!" Rose yells, having just noticed me. She slides off Emmett's lap, and Alice and I smile knowingly at each other, taking in her flushed cheeks and glazed eyes – she is a little toasty. She wraps us both in a sloppy hug. "Girls girls girls, my best girls!"

"Hey Rose," I laugh.

"Yo Bella," Tyler shouts. "Drink?"

"Cider's good," I reply, easing out from Rose's hold to wander over to him. "So who's making us this barbecue?"

"Emmett is supposed to." I lean against the counter and turn to Edward as he says this, still focused on the chess game. "Shit." Emmett whoops as he takes Edward's rook, forcing Edward to drink what smells like…

"Gin? You guys are playing drinking chess with gin?" I ask, my eyes widening.

"The rooks and castles are gin," Emmett says, grinning. "We decided to assign stronger alcohols to more important pieces."

I laugh, and examine the game more closely.

"So Edward's winning then," Alice says, having joined me at my side, and similarly examining the board.

"Can't you tell? He's way more sober than this fool," Rose points out, kissing the said fool on the cheek. Emmett turns to catch her mouth, kissing her sloppily, proving his intoxication.

"So what's the King?" I ask, turning to Edward to avoid watching Rose and Emmett.

"Absinthe," he says, grimacing. "Nice, but strong stuff…"

"Oh, wow, the green one right?"

"Yeah…" he says, distracted. He suddenly smiles, and moves a glass on the table, before kicking Emmett out of his smooch. "Check mate."

"Ah shit."

Everyone laughs, cheering as Emmett downs the absinthe, and comes out red faced and spluttering.

"Okay, so now Emmett is completely shit faced, I'm going to take over barbecue duty," Edward says, standing and stretching. "Jess, you want to make some veggies?"

She's engrossed in a conversation with Garrett, and stops only to scoff and say no.

"Babe, you know I'm shit at cooking," she yells, having to yell as suddenly a group of people who have just arrived walk into the kitchen and join the rowdy party. Someone's turned on some music too.

"Bella?" Edward raises his eyebrows at me. "Can you whip up some stuff?"

I smile at Alice, who knows my cooking, before turning back to Edward.

"For sure."

He smiles, and I turn to the fridge whilst tying my hair up in a pony-tail. As he eases past me to get to the meat lying on the counter, he steadies himself by placing a hand on my hip.

"Thanks," he says, placing a fleeting kiss on the top of my head, and before I can even process the intimate gesture, he's out the back door. I turn, searching for Alice's eyes, but instead meet Garrett's gaze, who's watching me with a smirk on his face. I glance over at Jess but she's talking to him so enthusiastically I doubt she notices.

"That was a little much," Rose whispers, appearing from nowhere, nodding her head in the direction Edward left. "And a little close, Garrett totally caught that."

I nod, gathering some green beans and broccoli out the fridge.

"More than a little close…" I reply, setting the vegetables on the counter and kicking the fridge door closed with my foot. "Alice says Garrett's got the hots for Jess, and I won't put it past him to tell Jess so he can weasel his way in there."

"But isn't that what you want anyway?"

I sigh, and run my hand over my face. The questions about what I want are getting to me.

"Does it matter what I want? I like the guy, that's enough for now."

"It's not enough if he's catching feelings and his relationship goes down in flames for you, when you're not sure you even want anything to happen," Rose says, frowning at her nails. "Anyway, I'm going to go look for Emmett."

She kisses my cheek and tugs a lock of my hair, sliding in close to me.

"Look, whatever you want, you know I've got your back," she whispers. "I've said what I want to say, now it's up to you what you do with it."

I nod, smiling gratefully at her. Rose never pushes once she's said what she wants to say.

"Cool," she smiles, rubbing my back before sliding past me and heading into the ruckus behind me which has expanded considerably.

I put some broccoli in a bowl and wait for the kettle to boil, leaning against the counter. Staring out the window, I realize I can see Edward from here, chatting animatedly to Jasper, the orange flames lighting up his face. The glow makes his hair seem even more golden, his eyes burn. Suddenly they flicker towards me, catching my gaze, and although his lips keep moving, he's no longer looking at Jasper. He's looking at me.

He licks his lips gently, mid sentence, and his eyes are heavy, his look heady. I'm filled with heat at the intensity of the look he's giving me – and I know it's for me. I'm not dumb, I know this feeling. I wonder where these feelings are going to culminate.

But right now, his gaze burning into me, I worry less about the _later _and go with the _now_, allowing the corners of my mouth to tilt up in response to him, and wet my bottom lip too.


End file.
